Saturday, February 09, 2013

The Australian Department of Sarcasm

Australia for tourists and questions about this great Country.....Bless the Australians and their sense of humor.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK). A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (
France) A: Only at Christmas.

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Mary Connealy


Vince said...

Hi Mary:

I can believe these are the real quotes. That tourist bureau had the Scared Weird Little Guys sing this song:"Come To Australia…you might accidently get killed” to get tourists!

It’s just over a minute and it’s very funny:


Anonymous said...

You spelled humor -HUMOUR. That's the Australian spelling you know.

Mary Connealy said...

Reading this turns you into an australian. Just go try and spell HUMOUR the old way, Mate.

Hi Vince, I thought this was pretty funny. It's one of those forwards so NOT my jokes. But it made me laugh.


Ausjenny said...

I love this you have to watch the drop bears!
good to see you spell humour the aussie way.

Anonymous said...

Funny as, mate. Good on ya for posting this. (Aussie slang). ;)

Although... in some country towns you could see 'roos in the main street, in heavily populated areas...well, you might want your beer goggles on to get a better look. :)

And, in case you think Australian snakes ARE harmless... I think the statistics are something like we have 6 out of 8 of the deadliest snakes living here! Only good snake is a dead one!

Drop bears are real. I have the certificate from a SES (State Emergency Services) youth camp that I attended backing me up in my belief in them ;) hee hee.

Thanks for posting, Mary! All the best as you write for His glory. :)

Adam Collings said...

Brilliant. Love our sense of humour.

Helen Wakefield said...

LOL ... this cracks me up, particularly all the activities down at Kings Cross.

Lucy, I think the statistic is worse than that - it's like 9/10 of the world's deadliest snakes are here.

Once I heard of a roo jumping down the hume highway in Sydney, caused quite a bit of chaos!

Thanks for posting this, Mary!

Mary Connealy said...

I thought it was geniunely funny and just true enough, with the misconeptions of Australia to be perfect.

Meredith Resce said...

I just moved to Melbourne (Victoria) from Adelaide (South Australia). It is actually true that I had Koalas in our back yard in the city in Adelaide, now in Melbourne, there are roos in the park across the road, and occasionally in our street. Not usual though.

Anonymous said...

Funny-- made me smirk. I live in the mountains of Colorado and our Chamber members tell stories like this all the time. My favorite is of the hunters coming to town asking to see pictures of elk before they go out and aim their guns. Yikes. Hide your cows and horses, ranchers.

Gabrielle Meyer said...

My mom was the tourism director for our town in Central Minnesota for over twenty years and she has some funny stories to tell about visitors! Two that still stick with me are the people from California who were planning a visit to Minnesota in July (when we easily reach 100 degrees) and asked if they needed to bring snow pants. The other was another group of Californians who came to Minnesota in the dead of winter to go ice fishing. They had heard that if the temps fell below 0 degrees, their skin would freeze instantly (it has to be more like -40 degrees!). While in their ice house, the temps dipped to -1 degrees and my mom watched as three adult women ran from their ice house to their car, fully covered from head to toe, screaming like banshees were chasing them. :) It makes me wonder what crazy ideas I have of other states (and countries) that are completely untrue!

Michelle Gregory said...

i needed a good laugh (and since i haven't read one of your new books for a while, this will have to do). i'll link to this from my blog. too good to not share.

Mary Hawkins said...

Absolutely hilarious, Mary, and thank you for posting it. Our daughter's friend was a Rotary exchange student in California. Her first day at school, her teacher asked very carefully, "Do-you-speak-English?"
I never did hear what this true-blue Aussie girl would have answered - probably don't want to as we are inclined to answer similarly to some of those answers here! Oh, to get the joke about King's Cross, you should know it is a centre in Sydney rather notorious for its night-life which includes ALL the strip joints, night-clubs etc, etc!

Rose Dee said...

Sooooo funny - loved it. Thank you for posting this, Mary. The hippo racing was hilarious - but HEY - we do have camel racing, and up here in North Queensland - cane toad racing. So maybe someone will import some hippos one day - give the crocodiles a run for their money. Lol.

Dorothy said...

Ha! Too funny.

As an Aussie visiting NY I was once asked if we had pizza in Australia. Seems fair enough. I guess the guy had his priorities straight. :)

And my dear crit partner in Tennessee had her entire second grade send me letters. One sweet thing wanted to know if I'd ever been hit in the head with a boomerang.

So, yes to the pizza, and no to the boomerang. But you never know. A kangaroo might bounce by tomorrow and if I'm in the way... ;/